Can we all agree that August in South Carolina is a preview of hell? The thought of spending eternity in 98-degree temps with crippling humidity is enough to keep me righteous.

Still, there are some things we can do to mitigate the misery…

• Find a tile floor. Lie down upon it. Press your face into the smooth coolness. Savor the chill against your skin. But don’t blame me if they kick you out of Home Depot.

• Don’t watch “Out of Africa.” It will only remind you how hot it is, and that Robert Redford will never wash your hair.

• Do watch “The Big White.” It’s got Robin Williams and Holly Hunter, and it’s set in Alaska.

• Avoid arguments. Nobody’s in their right mind in August.

• Make cucumber tea sandwiches. You must cut the crusts off for maximum cooling effect.

• Sleep nude, or in a thin cotton T-shirt. Anything else and you’ll wake up in a pool of sweat. That’s not a great way to wake up.

• Don’t eat ice. It breaks your teeth and freezes your throat if you accidentally gulp a chunk. Once I swallowed an entire ice cube and lost my voice for, like, two minutes. Widdle has been trying to feed me ice ever since.

• Run a tepid bath, step in, lie back and think cool thoughts.

• Eat watermelon. I don’t like it, but people tell me it’s very refreshing.

• Enjoy cold foods like gazpacho, potato salad and raspberry-fudge gelato. What? It’s cold.

• Mix up a big batch of Kool-Aid and drink that pitcher dry.

• Eat a Fudgesicle. Eat two.

• Notice how many of these involve food?

• Think about October—crisp mornings, cool evenings, seeing your breath in the air. Also think about winter in Vermont.

• If you have fans, use ‘em—attic fans, ceiling fans, floor fans, window fans, just keep the air moving. A humid breeze is better than no breeze at all.

• Go sip a glass of ice tea at your favorite restaurant, check out a new clothing store, wander into a couple of antique shops. You can stay cool while getting acquainted with local business owners. Win-win!

• Just stay inside, already.

• Do not, under any conditions, wear pantyhose until at least October.

• Freeze your wineglass before the pour. Ice-cold pinot grigio is manna from heaven.

• There are two schools of thought about hammocks: They’re cool and comfortable, or hot and sweaty, depending on what kind of hammock it is. I once fell asleep in an Outer Banks woven hammock, and woke up with the diamond pattern embedded on my face. Lovely.

• Wade in a creek.

• Find an oak tree and sprawl under it.

• Re-read “Call of the Wild.”

• Sprinkle cornstarch all over your damp little body. It’s safe, natural and feels great.

• Go to the movies. There’s nothing better than a dark, cool theater on a hot August afternoon.

• Don’t do anything outside between 10 a.m. and 4 p.m. if you can help it. Remember Noel Coward’s lyric: Only mad dogs and Englishmen go out in the midday sun.

• Close the drapes and blinds, which will 1) keep your house cooler and 2) block the view of your parched, brown lawn.

• Fill a cotton sock with rice, tie it off with twine and place in freezer for two hours. Then drape it around your neck. It will feel amazing, plus you can use it as a blackjack in a pinch.

• When all else fails, take a nap. Maybe when we wake up it’ll be October.

Julie R. Smith, who complains about the cold, too, can be reached at widdleswife@aol.com.