Published Tuesday, April 29, 2008 9:38 AM
Updated Tuesday, April 29, 2008 9:40 AM

 

Wise Words from Williams

Building your relationship skills


One of the most important things to all of us are our relationships.

Without relationships we are adrift by ourselves in the vast sea of humanity. With relationships we feel connected. Man is a gregarious animal. He likes company, so to be disconnected from others is not natural for him.

But we lack some of the fundamental skills necessary to maintain our relationships.

Relationship skills are not taught in schools but schools are fraught with relationship challenges. These kinds of problems are not the domain of schools only, because they exist in other places and to a greater extent.

We don’t know how to get along with each other whether we are talking about home, school, work or church. It is now being mandated, probably out of necessity, that character education be taught in schools, and many have a character education component worked into their curriculum.

But to teach relationship skills would enhance relationships between diverse groups of people in our society. Do you think students and teacher relationships could do with some improvement? What about administrators and teachers? Parents and children, employees and supervisors, customers and service providers, family members including husbands and wives are all people who would benefit from training in relationship skills. And these are only a small sample as you might realize.

One of the important parts of developing effective relationship skills is learning to think. Not what to think, but how to think. To be more specific it is learning how to process and interpret information without allowing our feelings to distort them. Emotional thinking can lead to serious problems in relationships. When something happens we can jump to conclusions or we can make the effort to look at all the angles before we arrive at a conclusion.

A few columns ago I shared with you a real life experience of a friend of mine who was going out on a date with a very attractive young lady that he liked. If you remember, the date didn’t go too well, as a matter of fact it didn’t happen. Why? Because she was so angry with him for being as late as he was, she gave him a good tongue lashing without hearing his side of the story.

You might not be as extreme as she was, but you can still benefit from this little exercise I am about to take you through.

Here is the scenario. You are going on a date and the person shows up late. You were dressed and ready on time. He didn’t call to say he would be late, and he shows up half an hour later. How do you process this situation? How do you think it through?

Here is a 5 step formula you can use to help you sort things out. It is the W.S.A.T.S. (Williams Speaking and Training Services) formula.

The person is late for your date and you say to yourself, “That selfish son of a gun. He is late and he hasn’t even got the manners to call.”

Where is the evidence? Is he really selfish? Are there qualities or behaviors that do not support this interpretation or conclusion on your part?

See the situation from another angle. See if there is another way of looking at the situation.

Ask yourself, “So what?” So what if he is 30 minutes late? Is it the end of the world? Has it taken away anything from who you are? Is it worth getting unduly upset about when it might all be forgotten within the first 20 minutes of chatting?

Think of the outcome. Sometimes when we are annoyed or upset it is not easy to think of the outcome of our actions. But it is good training. Learn to put yourself in the future in the heat of a moment and think about the possible consequences of your actions.

Sit in the other person’s seat. It is called empathy. It is seeing where the other person is coming from. How would you feel if you had a legitimate reason for being late and someone attacked you?

Valentine Williams is a motivational speaker, seminar/workshop leader, personal development coach, adjunct instructor and the author of Youth Empowered to Succeed. He is also the president of Williams Speaking and Training Services, a people development organization that conducts professional and personal development training and staff development workshops. You can reach him with your questions or comments at: wisewords@valentinespeaks.com