Published Tuesday, April 08, 2008 8:21 AM
Updated Tuesday, April 08, 2008 8:23 AM

 

Fanfare for the Common Man 4/9/08

Lies my mom told me


As a parent, sometimes I wonder if I did a good job raising my kids.

Parenting doesn’t come with an instruction manual. It’s purely a shoot-from-the-hip endeavor, regardless what Dr. Spock says.

Besides, I always wondered how Spock found the time going where no man had gone before to write a baby book.

It has occurred to me a time or two about the lies our moms told us as kids and why these lies are perpetuated from generation to generation. Yes, I’m singling out moms here because dads don’t lie.

Just moms.

Dads are very honest to their children.

“See? I told you that would hurt. How many times have I told you, don’t stick your finger in the light socket.”

Moms lie to their kids and then substantiate those lies with catch phrases like, “Because I said so,” or “Because I’m your mother that’s why,” or the ultimate kicker, “Someday you’ll thank me for this.”

I’m terrified of water because I constantly questioned my ability to tell time growing up.

Remember this lie?

You have to wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming to avoid cramps.

If this were true, why don’t we hear more stories in the news about it?

MONCKS CORNER – A local man drowned today. Rescue workers on the scene suspect cramps.

My childhood was riddled with lies.

Sitting too close to the TV will hurt your eyes.

I’ve been to optometrists. I wear glasses. And I have never heard anyone leaving the examination room receiving that kind of bad news about their eyesight.

“Doctor, is there any cure?”

“No Bob, I’m sorry. Your vision is deteriorating and there’s nothing medical science can do about it. You sat too close to the TV.”

“Oh, doctor! If only I had listened to my mother!”

Or what about the standard rule of sitting one foot away from the TV for each inch of screen size?

With today’s 50-inch Hi-Def flat screen TVs, we’d all be watching the ball game from the front yard.

An apple a day keeps the doctor away.

Talk about money growing on trees, a Mrs. Smith’s apple pie would cost more than anything under glass at Tiffany’s and Johnny Appleseed would be seen as the one true medical genius of our time.  

Your eyes will get stuck that way and then what will you do?

The one great sight gag guaranteed to get laughs out of all second graders and I was too terrified to try it. Every now and then I’d pass someone on the street who was either cockeyed or had a lazy eye condition and I’d say to myself, “they didn’t listen to their mother.”

Chocolate causes acne.

Mom just wanted all the M&Ms for herself. Did you know chocolate actually aids in cleaning up your complexion?

Granted, the caffeine in chocolate will keep you awake until next Tuesday … but you won’t have any pimples.

Have you noticed, Moms never said just exactly what was for our own good, only that “Someday you’ll thank me for this.”

Not hardly.