Berkeley Independent
A wise man once said, “There are things I don’t do and things I won’t do, but there’s nothing I can’t do.” (Okay, it was a contestant on “I’m a Celebrity—Get Me Out of Here!” And no, he didn’t win.)
As a new year dawns many of us make resolutions. We vow to exercise more and gossip less. We plan to lose 10 pounds, quit smoking and forgive our enemies, or at least ignore them.
Most of us will not accomplish these goals, but as humans we’re hard-wired to strive for improvement. (I just totally made that up.)
Anyway, after a few New Year’s brews, you’d be surprised what kind of goals you can come up with. Here are some I jotted down for posterity. Who knows, they might lead to a happier, healthier 2010. If God is kind and the creek don’t rise, I will…
? Learn how to shop for clothes without breaking out in hives.
? Eat at the Varsity at least once, and splurge on the fried onion rings.
? Curb my tongue. Hard to believe, but not everyone breathlessly awaits my next words.
? Stop wanting more, and realize I have everything I need.
? Remember that when my beloved brother, T-Bob, happens to mention a marital spat, that is not a cue for me to fly to Florida and sucker-punch my sister-in-law. Whom I do love, by the way.
? Cuddle my husband every night (while he cuddles our little dog.)
? Finally confess my love for congealed salads. If it’s lime green with walnuts and cream cheese, bring it on!
? Get my upper lip waxed. (It’s a long, sordid story.)
? Stop arguing with Widdle and just throw the leftovers out, already.
? Fellowship over food more often. (This is tough, because I’m so socially inept. I always blush, choke, bite the tip of my tongue or dribble marinara on my shirt.)
? Continue to not watch David Letterman, who has devolved from an erudite wit into something very close to nasty.
? Give the domestic arts another shot. Maybe this is the year I’ll learn to sew, knit, make jam and can vegetables. Hahahahahahaha!
? Stop trying to make everyone love me. I’ve finally realized that what people think of me is none of my business.
? Gargle with Listerine daily, even though it makes me light-headed.
? Give collards another try. Truly.
? Be more kind and less snippy. It’s free.
? Remember that happy, healthy kids tend to make noise. A lot of noise.
? Stop blindly obeying my GPS. That’s a good way to wind up in a canal somewhere. (Ask me how I know!)
? Enjoy my mother-in-law more, and remember that we love the same man.
? Stop complaining about all the laundry Widdle generates. I don’t know how or why one man wears three pairs of pants in 12 hours, but it’s time to shut up about it.
? Wear my bite guard when I go to bed. Without it, I apparently grind my teeth into powder.
? Not say “no” so much, unless “yes” would lead to infidelity or indigestion.
Julie R. Smith, who has much room for improvement, can be reached at widdleswife@aol.com.
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