Published Wednesday, May 14, 2008 12:04 PM
Updated Wednesday, May 14, 2008 12:04 PM

 

My Hometown 5/14/08

Episode 6: The Pope Arrives In Tellers Gap


Episode 6: The Pope Arrives In Tellers Gap

 

Ned Chambers always thought the folks of Tellers Gap were about the friendliest and most kindhearted anywhere on the face of this earth.

Now, he was sure of it as the Greyhound bus from Greenville pulled into the town square.

“What’s all the fuss about?” Ned had just asked with a big, dumbfounded look at all the pageantry surrounding him.

“Why, the Pope is coming to Tellers Gap today,” Mavis told him. “Remember?”

“He is?”

Mavis Cathey felt dread’s cold stone settle to the pit of her stomach. Please let this be the real Pope, she offered in silent prayer.

“Yes, Ned,” she said. “You said the Pope was coming on Sunday. You told me the other day. Remember?”

Ned did and smacked the heel of his palm to his forehead, “Oh that’s right, the Pope’s coming.”

“That’s right,” Mavis said and patted Ned comfortingly on the shoulder. “What time is the Pope arriving?”

“He’ll be here on the 12:30 bus from Greenville.”

“Okay, good,” Mavis said and heaved a huge sigh of relief.

“My cousin Charlie Pope from Dayton, Ohio is coming to visit for a couple weeks. He’s arriving on the 12:30 bus from Greenville. He’s just been through a rather nasty divorce and he’s going to be staying with me for awhile to …  you know … get back on his feet a little.”

Mavis Cathey’s jaw bounced off the sidewalk.

“How’d you know everybody called Charlie, The Pope?”

Word as to which Pope would be visiting Tellers Gap today hadn’t made its way around the square yet. The news, though, about the Pope arriving on the 12:30 bus out of Greenville had.

So when the Greyhound bus pulled off Church Street onto Main and started to make its way around the square, Big Earl the mayor gave the word to the Semi-Marching Kazoo Band to strike up the music and they began humming the Hallelujah Chorus.

Deputy Dewey, outfitted in full ceremonial dress, swallowed back the lump of emotion rising in his throat and eased his Mobile Unit One Moped in front of the bus with sirens and lights blaring to give the Pope his ceremonial police escort around the square to the official reviewing stand where the mayor waited with the kudzu laurel wreath and a key to the city.

“Momma would be proud,” he thought and sniffed back a tear. “The Pope needs official security and by God, I intend to give it to him.”

Pastor Brothers Billy T. and WT (pronounced Dubya Tay) raised their arms to the heavens in prayer and fellowship for the arrival.

The bus eased to a stop in front of the official reviewing stand with a hiss of hydraulic air brakes and sat for a moment.

The Semi-Marching Kazoo Band ran out of breath and the Hallelujah Chorus petered out somewhere between Hal and “yuh.”

Big Earl gave the nod to Jeter Dixon of the Knights of Columbus as the bus doors swung open and Jeter puffed out his chest and presented the kudzu laurel wreath.

“On behalf of all of Tellers Gap I present you with a laurel, and hardy welcome.”

Ned Chambers’ cousin Charlie Pope stepped off the bus.

He wore an old-time porkpie hat and a ratty, leather jacket. He hadn’t shaved or bathed during the three-day bus ride south from Dayton and his five o’clock shadow had crept up to somewhere around one thirty.

On the two suitcases were large stickers printed with his name Charlie Pope. He set them down and accepted the kudzu wreath.

“Pope … or Mr. Pope, may I present to you this key to our fair city as a token of our great esteem that you have taken time out of your busy schedule to visit.”

Charlie smiled and took the heavy metal key.

Mavis Cathey had moved off to the side, trying her darnedest to inch her way as far from the town square as she could before the realization dawned on everyone that while this was indeed a Pope, this was not the real Pope.

“He don’t look very … Popely,” Zelma Huggins remarked out of the side of her mouth.

While Mavis Cathey may have had a weakness for gossip, she was also one who thought fast on her feet, a not-so-obvious perk of her eavesdropping affliction.

“He’s traveling incognito,” she said.

Zelma Huggins gave that pious, all-knowing nod of one who was used to handling inside information. She also saw to it that word would get around the square to everybody about the Pope traveling incognito so the people of Tellers Gap didn’t come off looking like a bunch of hicks to His Eminence.

“Ahh,” Zelma said with a knowing nod as if she were regularly made privy of such things. "In-cog-NEET-Oh."

Back on the reviewing stand, Charlie Pope stepped up to the microphone to say a few words of thanks for the warm welcome. The gathered flock of pilgrims greeted him with wild applause and waving cardboard crucifixes. When he raised his hands to quiet the crowd, the entire 528-strong population of Tellers Gap thought this was time for the Pope’s papal blessing and fell reverently silent bowing their heads in collective prayer.

Charlie, when asked to give a papal blessing, had seen the vats of frying catfish and the line of tables crammed with food and just about every Southern delicacy imaginable and thought the mayor had asked him to say grace.

After this fine welcome, saying grace was the least he could do.

“I have to say I think y’all are the nicest bunch of people a man could ever want to meet, and if you’re looking for me to make my vacation permanent, y’all sure do give a good sales pitch.”

Other than a packet of peanut butter crackers and a Coke, Charlie hadn’t eaten in two days. He was starved.

Charlie Pope cleared his throat and hawked up the plug of phlegm he’d been trying to dislodge since Chattanooga. Having seen everyone with heads bowed and hands folded, figured they were waiting on him.

“Let’s get this out of the way, I’m hungry,” he said then spit. “Let's say grace. Over the lips and past the gums, look out, stomach, here it comes. Let’s eat!”

Next Week: I Was A Biscuit Baby