Published Tuesday, May 06, 2008 8:50 AM
Updated Tuesday, May 06, 2008 8:51 AM

 

My Hometown 5/7/08

Episode 4: Welcome Pope to Tellers Gap


It was a grand day for the Pope to come to Tellers Gap.

It was also a shame that His Holiness had no idea what a grand celebration had been planned in his honor.

With the mayor’s special mayoral decree leading the way, grand plans were devised in secret cloakrooms, wearing musty old robes that had been stuffed in storage trunks since Eisenhower was president.

And nobody was talking, especially to each other.

Since Pastor Brother Billy T. Love and his congregation at Second First Baptist Church was convinced beyond doubt that First First Baptist Church’s Pastor Brother WT (pronounced Dubya Tay) Howell had turned his back on his fellow Baptist brethren and laid in sin with the Catholics in order to finagle a visit from the Pope, and then have the unmitigated audacity not to tell anyone about it, especially those at Second First – (deep breath) – their plans to trump their deceitful brothers and sisters by planning a better welcome for the Holy Father first were conceived in hushed whispers and segregated groups.

And since Pastor Brother WT (pronounced Dubya Tay) Howell and his congregation at First First Baptist Church was convinced beyond all doubt that Second First Pastor Billy T. Love was guilty of the same offense, they likewise did the same.

The mayor was in a pickle, throwing such a celebration together on such short notice required a lot of work.

He couldn’t get the marching band from the high school because of finals.

Big Earl felt the occasion called for musical accompaniment, but the only musical group available on such short notice was the Sunny Grove Mobile Home Park Retirement Village Semi-Marching Kazoo Band. They’d be happy to hum a few hymns, just as long as everything had wrapped up by the time the early-bird dinner special started at Nick’s Dew Drop Inn at 4:30.

The Tellers Gap Knights of Columbus Lodge No. 455 would kick off the ceremony by presenting the Pope with a kudzu laurel officially welcoming the Holy Father to Tellers Gap.

Jeter Dixon, Grand Exalted Knight of the K of C Lodge walked around the square all day holding the kudzu laurel, extending his hand in a reverent handshake and rehearsing his short speech.

“On behalf of Tellers Gap and the Knights of Columbus Lodge Number 455 I would like to present to you this laurel, and hearty welcome.”

Buddy, Willard and Bob from the barbershop were to display Buddy’s state record Striper bass for the Pope to see, showing how Tellers Gap led the state in being Fishers of Men.

Nick planned to close the Dew Drop Inn at noon and present the town with his version of the Sermon on the Mount with an Old Fashioned Fish Fry on the Square of fried catfish and hushpuppies.

Red, white and blue bunting had been hung from the upper floors and rooftops from all the buildings around the square.

A massive banner had been strung between the two laurel oak trees on the courthouse lawn declaring, “Tellers Gap Welcomes the Pope!”

And though Southern Baptists, Pentecostals and other evangelicals are diametrically opposed to the doctrines preached by the Catholic church and just about every other religion organized enough to tote a Bible, the reverent of Tellers Gap were not going to be outdone, and had thrown together a grand extravaganza celebration to welcome the Pope – all in secret of course and in old choir robes.

The First First Baptist Church planned for a sunrise church service on the First First Church steps before setting off for the square for a day full of worship and fellowship. Not to be outdone by that, the Second First Baptist Church planned for its sunrise service to start the customary five minutes before sunrise.

The two churches leapfrogged over one another all weekend to the point that both held the Baptist’s version of midnight masses on Saturday night and spent the night camped out on the courthouse lawn.

As dawn raised the curtain on Tellers Gap’s special day, the town square looked more like a refugee camp in a war zone. Tents popped up over night like dandelions.

Johnny Hurley came up with the idea that the Pope would need something to carry him around the town square.

“Like his Pope-mobile,” Johnny said and showed off his new design.

Johnny Hurley took his favorite recliner from out of the family room at home, bolted the EZ Boy to the bed of his old pick up, dropped in 2x4 slats around the bedrail and strung chicken wire fencing, “just in case anyone starts throwing rocks.”

The sun crawled up the ladder of the sky and around noon it everyone gathered in the square, feverishly putting the final touch and last minute preparations for this historic day.

The mayor practiced his speech.

“As Pope, you’re A-Okay in my book … by the way what time is the Pope supposed to arrive?”

No one around the square had an answer and eventually the question made it back to the source of the news regarding the Pope’s surprise visit to Tellers Gap.

Mavis Cathey.

“I have no idea,” she said as she whipped up a batch of her special chunk mashed taters. “I just heard Ned Chambers say something to Ted Pickens about the Pope coming on Sunday.”

“Why would Ned Chambers have anything to do with the Pope?” Pastor Brother WT (pronounced Dubya Tay) asked.

It was about that time when Ned Chambers arrived on the square to wait for the 12:30 bus to arrive from Greenville.

“What’s all the fuss about?” he asked sporting a big dumbfounded look at all the pageantry surrounding him.

“Why the Pope is coming to Tellers Gap today,” Mavis told him. “Remember?”

“He is?”

This was news to Ned Chambers.

That’s about the time the very big and very cold stone of dread dropped in Mavis Cathey’s stomach.

Next Week: The Pope Arrives