An Aqua Velva Man

  • Tuesday, June 24, 2014

In my defense, it looked cool and refreshing. Cool as in temperature wise, not style, and refreshing, as in maybe a little aromatic relief from this ridiculous heat.

I bought a bottle of Aqua Velva aftershave.

I was standing in line at Walmart, waiting to pick up a prescription and I was perusing the different aftershaves until I came across the bottle of Aqua Velva “Ice Blue.” It even said, “Cooling aftershave,” on the bottle and it was on sale for just $2.99.

How can you beat that kind of a deal?

Apparently I couldn’t because I bought a bottle.

I hurry home, thinking “Boy, am I going to feel refreshed!”

I remember Aqua Velva from my days as a boy. My grandfather wore Aqua Velva and so did my dad.

Aqua Velva offers the classic American fragrance, the bottle says, and more importantly, this is a fragrance you trust. Like Old Spice.

You can’t go wrong with Old Spice, just like you can’t go wrong with Aqua Velva.

Trust me, the bottle says, and I do. Completely.

The fine print on the back of the bottle goes on to say that Aqual Velva’s “Ice Blue” firms and tones skin for a face that’s fit.

That’s what I want, a fit face. I figure I’m going to splash on some Aqua Velva “Ice Blue” and get “fit-faced.” And you know why?

There’s something about an Aqua Velva Man.

I remember seeing the Aqua Velva bottles in the medicine cabinet, and as a child, I always got this pleasant feeling when seeing the Aqua Velva bottle.

I anxiously popped the seal and uncapped the bottle because I’m ready to feel cool and refreshed.

I noted the CAUTION portion of the bottle. The fine people at Aqual Velva warned that the contents of this container might be flammable until dry.

That’s because Aqua Velva “Ice Blue” is so HOT.

It also says, “Do not apply, near fire,” and I’m left to wonder, what kind of man decides to bathe in an alcohol and glycerin based product near an open flame?

The alcohol part is self-explanatory, but glycerin too?

That’s glycerin as in nitro glycerin, as in stuff that will blow up your car. Besides, since when am I a cautious man?

The bottle also said, “Splash it on,” and I am always one who does as he is told.

So I do a cannon ball into this stuff.

Right about the time the entire seven-ounce contents of this bottle splashes onto my right hand and all over my pants I’m reminded of a word of advice my daughter-in-law gave me when it came to wearing aftershave or cologne: “Wear a dot, not a lot.”

A cannon ball into a swimming pool full of Aqua Velva — I pretty much blew that.

That’s when the aroma hit — and I do mean aroma.

Oh, my God, I thought.

I smell like my grandfather. If my grandfather were still alive today he’d be 105.

And still wearing Aqua Velva.

I remember the aroma now — and I’m being kind when I call this an aroma.

It’s Aqua Velva “Ice Blue” trying unsuccessfully to mask the pervasive scent of spent methane.

A lifetime of “pull my finger,” and Aqua Velva’s “Ice Blue.” It took three showers to eradicate the aroma.

So here I sit pondering my predicament. A near full bottle of Aqua Velva in my shower kit.

I’m wearing tanktop T-shirt. Boxer shorts. Knee high black socks.

Oh, yeah, there’s something about an Aqua Velva man.

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