If I were a soda, I’d be root beer

  • Tuesday, June 17, 2014

Thanks to Facebook, I know now which Brady Bunch kid I’d be, what kind of dog I am and how long I would survive a zombie apocalypse. (Jan, beagle and forever—my husband is handy with a shotgun, and I swing a mean cast iron skillet. I think we’d be OK. You thought I was going to say I don’t believe in zombies, didn’t you?)

Also, in case you were wondering, my spirit animal is a wolf, my aura is yellow and my Old West barmaid name is Peacock McGee.

Lord help me, why do I take these stupid tests? If, as some critics say, Facebook is the biggest time suck on earth, links to Buzzfeed and Mental Floss quizzes are a whole other dimension of wasted hours. I’ve lost so much time I’m now my own grandma.

Here’s the thing: I don’t CARE what famous author I’d be, which “Big Bang” character I am or what dead painter I am. (Ernest Hemingway, Sheldon and Peter Paul Rubens. I didn’t say I skip the tests, I just said I don’t care about the results.)

Again, WHY am I—and millions of other people—taking these dumb tests online? Maybe we’ve reached a new threshold of boredom. Or does it speak to our yen for self-awareness? Or are we all just comically self-absorbed?

Some of the quizzes are blatantly tongue-in-cheek. Example: My prison nickname is “Honeychile.” My actual prison nickname would be “Dead in Her Bunk.”

Here’s what else I’ve learned about myself:

If I were a vegetable, I’d be a pickle. Crisp and crunchy, that’s me. Not.

If I were a horse I’d be a Shetland pony. (At my height, this surprises no-one.)

What kind of hostess am I? Neurotic. The kind who forgets to put coffee in the coffeemaker and serves boiling water.

If I were a soda, I’d be root beer. (And belch all day long.)

Which hair color suits my personality? Red. Sure, because that goes so well with pink skin and blond eyebrows. In real life (remember real life?) nobody has seen my true real hair color in almost 40 years. It could be plaid for all I know.

What Harry Potter character would I be? I’ve never read a word of the books or seen a frame of the movies. I realize this puts me in Coventry with some folks, but so be it.

What famous designer would I have been? Coco Chanel. Hahahaha! If you saw my closet, you’d laugh, too.

What is my stripper name? Hot Pockets.

What criminal mastermind would I be? Al Capone, which is weird because he actually LOST his mind. To syphilis.

Which classic novel are you? The answer I got is “Little Women,” but I reject that in favor of “Three Musketeers,” because D’Artagnan is my spirit name. Of course.

What type of doughnut are you? Seriously? I don’t even like doughnuts. But apparently I’d be a cruller.

If I were an alcoholic drink I’d be a Bartles & Jaymes wine cooler, because that’s how I roll.

What Food network star are you? I got Rachael Ray, which is hilarious because the only thing I can do in a kitchen in 30 minutes is set it on fire.

And last but not least…

What Duck Dynasty character are you? I can end the suspense and reveal… I’d be Jase. Because I grow a beard so easily.

Julie R. Smith, who has too much free time, can be reached at widdleswife@aol.com.

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