Fanfare for the Common Man: Stupid things I’ve done

  • Tuesday, May 27, 2014

Itís a sad statement about a manís life when he has a Top Five List of Stupid Things Heís Done.

Itís even worse when this list gets updated on a weekly basis.

Since weíve spoken last I have paraded around town for almost half a day, sat through a meeting with town officials, spoken with the mayor, said ďHiĒ and had coffee with softball moms, all while wearing my shirt inside-out.

Replies to my exasperations regarding my wardrobe malfunction ranged from, ďI didnít notice it,Ē to ďI thought you were making a fashion statement.Ē

Heather, my favorite softball mom, offered some sage advice.

ďGet a mirror and put it by the front door.Ē

Iíve done this already.

ďTake a Post-It note and write yourself a checklist. Zipper up (she knows me well), all belt loops accounted for (she knows me too well apparently), and all clothes worn right-side out (she knows my wardrobe malfunctions donít begin and end with inside-out golf shirts).Ē

Stupid Thing Number Two - How does one lose a sock?

Okay, losing socks is commonplace, but I only own two pairs of socks and I lost one. Itís not like I have many places in which to lose a sock. Everything is situated within armís reach, which means itís hiding around here somewhere.

The missing sock leaves me with just three, and Iíve adopted a rotating system to get me through the week by wearing socks 1 and 2 on Monday, socks 2 and 3 on Tuesday (wash Sock 1), and socks 3 and 1 on Wednesday. The rotated out sock gets laundered on its off day.

I went on a hard search for the missing sock and looked underneath my couch cushions, and there I discovered a vile plot afoot - my clothes were plotting a Great Escape worthy of Steve McQueen.

Tunneled under my couch cushions I found 19 socks, four shirts, a couple dish towels, a beach towel, my Superman blanket (Et tu Brute?) and a Stephen King paperback.

So this is what my clothes are up to while I sleep and it makes me wonder.

Stupid Thing Number 3 - Donít you hate it when you feel something brush against your bare leg under the desk and when you swipe the leg you come away with a great giant eight-legged monster crawling up your arm?

The other night I felt something brush my leg and at first think itís the computer cord dangling off my desk to the power strip.

I brushed my leg, but it came back.

Thatís when I realized Iím brushing my left leg and the computer cord is dangling near my right leg.

I remove my hand to reveal a tarantula crawling up my arm.

Okay, it wasnít a tarantula but at one in the morning, it might as well have been.

I screamed like my baby sister and while not having the forethought to kill it, I instead aided in its escape by throwing the spider across the room.

Not smartÖ as now the ginormous spider is on the loose inside my apartment.

I sleep with a can of Raid just in case.

Stupid Thing Number Four - I fell into the refrigerator the other night.

I didnít fall as much as teeter.

But I wound up inside the refrigerator.

I was putting away a crockpot of spaghetti sauce when I leaned forward to slide the pot onto the bottom shelf. This act became complicated because my center of gravity lies in the front.

I leaned forward, I lost my balance and I teetered forward, my head sliding between the middle and top shelves. But hey, good news, I found the lost jar of pickles that went missing sometime around Thanksgiving 2010.

Apparently it was trying to escape too.

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