Tuesday, May 27, 2014
Itís a sad statement about a manís life when he has a Top Five List of Stupid Things Heís Done.
Itís even worse when this list gets updated on a weekly basis.
Since weíve spoken last I have paraded around town for almost half a day, sat through a meeting with town officials, spoken with the mayor, said ďHiĒ and had coffee with softball moms, all while wearing my shirt inside-out.
Replies to my exasperations regarding my wardrobe malfunction ranged from, ďI didnít notice it,Ē to ďI thought you were making a fashion statement.Ē
Heather, my favorite softball mom, offered some sage advice.
ďGet a mirror and put it by the front door.Ē
Iíve done this already.
ďTake a Post-It note and write yourself a checklist. Zipper up (she knows me well), all belt loops accounted for (she knows me too well apparently), and all clothes worn right-side out (she knows my wardrobe malfunctions donít begin and end with inside-out golf shirts).Ē
Stupid Thing Number Two - How does one lose a sock?
Okay, losing socks is commonplace, but I only own two pairs of socks and I lost one. Itís not like I have many places in which to lose a sock. Everything is situated within armís reach, which means itís hiding around here somewhere.
The missing sock leaves me with just three, and Iíve adopted a rotating system to get me through the week by wearing socks 1 and 2 on Monday, socks 2 and 3 on Tuesday (wash Sock 1), and socks 3 and 1 on Wednesday. The rotated out sock gets laundered on its off day.
I went on a hard search for the missing sock and looked underneath my couch cushions, and there I discovered a vile plot afoot - my clothes were plotting a Great Escape worthy of Steve McQueen.
Tunneled under my couch cushions I found 19 socks, four shirts, a couple dish towels, a beach towel, my Superman blanket (Et tu Brute?) and a Stephen King paperback.
So this is what my clothes are up to while I sleep and it makes me wonder.
Stupid Thing Number 3 - Donít you hate it when you feel something brush against your bare leg under the desk and when you swipe the leg you come away with a great giant eight-legged monster crawling up your arm?
The other night I felt something brush my leg and at first think itís the computer cord dangling off my desk to the power strip.
I brushed my leg, but it came back.
Thatís when I realized Iím brushing my left leg and the computer cord is dangling near my right leg.
I remove my hand to reveal a tarantula crawling up my arm.
Okay, it wasnít a tarantula but at one in the morning, it might as well have been.
I screamed like my baby sister and while not having the forethought to kill it, I instead aided in its escape by throwing the spider across the room.
Not smartÖ as now the ginormous spider is on the loose inside my apartment.
I sleep with a can of Raid just in case.
Stupid Thing Number Four - I fell into the refrigerator the other night.
I didnít fall as much as teeter.
But I wound up inside the refrigerator.
I was putting away a crockpot of spaghetti sauce when I leaned forward to slide the pot onto the bottom shelf. This act became complicated because my center of gravity lies in the front.
I leaned forward, I lost my balance and I teetered forward, my head sliding between the middle and top shelves. But hey, good news, I found the lost jar of pickles that went missing sometime around Thanksgiving 2010.
Apparently it was trying to escape too.
Berkeley Independent is pleased to offer readers the enhanced ability to comment on stories. We expect our readers to engage in lively, yet civil discourse. We do not edit user submitted statements and we cannot promise that readers will not occasionally find offensive or inaccurate comments posted in the comments area. Responsibility for the statements posted lies with the person submitting the comment, not Berkeley Independent.