Fanfare for the Common Man: What is this gluten?

  • Tuesday, April 22, 2014



I was talking with the Ex recently about the success of her diet, and I asked her how she did it.

She replied, “I’m on a gluten-free diet.”

This got me to thinking, maybe I should go on a gluten-free diet.

That’s when the little voice in my head spoke up. Sometimes this little voice takes on the voice of my mother — usually when I’m about to do something I shouldn’t be doing and the voice always begins with, “I raised you better than that.”

I hear this a lot.

Other times it takes on the voice of the mother of my children — usually after I’ve already done something I shouldn’t have and this voice always begins with, “Were you born this stupid or did you take lessons?”

Since I was actually conversing with the mother of my children she couldn’t very well be my inner voice and since I really hadn’t done anything I shouldn’t have (yet), there was no point in being admonished unnecessarily.

I get plenty enough of that without any inner voices.

On these rare occasions my inner voice becomes Bill Cosby, and Bill asks me in his best Jell-O Pudding voice, “Don’t you think you should first find out what gluten is before considering a gluten-free diet?”

Good point.

So I ask the mother of my children, “What is a gluten-free diet?”

She replies, “Of course, any food that contains gluten.”

Bill tells me I should offer up the query, “What foods contain gluten?”

And she told me.

Do you want to know what foods contains gluten? Breakfast, lunch and dinner. Everything that tastes good.

Pasta.

Fries.

Chips.

Cereal ... Capn Crunch and Cocoa Puffs for sure.

Meat.

BEER!

I get up in the morning because of food. I pull myself out of bed for a Big Gulp cup of coffee — 32 ounces — and two chocolate chip cookies.

I am defined by food.

There would be some who say that I substitute food for love. Guilty as charged. And that’s not good.

Speaking on food’s behalf though, food doesn’t argue with you.

It doesn’t get irritated when you leave the toilet seat up, or overstuff the garbage can, or forget to turn the lights off. Food will never leave you for something younger, thinner, better looking, or with more money.

Food will always be there for you, whenever you want it, and with food, you can never have enough. There’s always room for one more helping, and let’s not forget dessert.

Love is an All You Can Eat Buffet.

I have enjoyed a somewhat checkered success dieting. It’s like golf, you never win at dieting, you just suffer through various degrees of losing.

But I digress.

Back to this whole gluten-free thing.

Gluten is sugar basically, which is a big No-No for me anyway since I’m diabetic, but when did I ever let that stop me before?

Eating gluten-free is basically following a more healthy diet, which means losing more weight, getting off these blood pressure pills, and no more diabetes.

And you’re preaching to the choir if you feel the need to get on your soap box. I hear you.

Food will be the death of me. I know that, too.

I’m taking applications for new inner voices if anybody’s interested.

The pay is cheap but the hours are good. Besides, I know a lot of you have been wanting to take a peek inside my head to see what makes me tick.

And for the record, I was raised better than that and all this comes naturally.

No lessons required.

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