How to avoid a zombie

  • Wednesday, February 26, 2014

The Walking Dead is back.

And with the return of the Walking Dead, especially now that the gang has been forced from the safety of their prison home and scattered to the four corners of Central Georgia, the question once again is making the rounds through the various social media networks: Can you survive a Zombie Apocalypse?

Zombies are a serious topic these days with the success of the AMC TV series and movies like World War Z.

If the walking dead happen to rise up and head out for a stroll, you need to be prepared.

Forget these 400-plus page Zombie Survival Guides. You don’t need them.

Four rules are all you need. That’s one less than the five you were expecting. These four simple rules will ensure survival in case of a zombie attack.

There will be a quiz afterwards.

Rule 1

Never, ever volunteer to go outside and check out what caused that noise, especially if it’s dark, stormy or quiet. You will be dead or worse, become a flesh-starved zombie yourself before the opening credits finish rolling.

Rule 1A (if you’re alone):

Again, do not go outside. Don’t even go into the other room. Do not investigate anything, but if you do, and the cat jumps off the top of the china cabinet and startles you, run.

Run far. Run fast. And do not turn around. There’s a zombie behind you.

Rule 2

Do not call out or assume these strange noises are the result of some prank perpetrated by your friends. You are not being punked.

The only thing being punked in this case would be your spleen or liver.

Human voices attract zombies. Hearing your voice is like grandma sounding the dinner bell, “Come and get it! Good eats are on the table!”

Rule 3

When being chased DO NOT stop and look back to see where the zombies are in their pursuit of you. Trust me, they’re still coming. Just because you can run a little faster doesn’t mean their little zombie brains (or legs) will give up the chase.

You are their dinner.

When you stop and turn around to look is the minute you then turn back and run face-first into a zombie.

Rule 4A (for guys):

When being chased by zombies DO NOT run with women. They can’t keep up. They’re always running in high heels or skirts. They’re always falling down and spraining an ankle. When they do, and they will, then you, being the chivalrous guy who somehow foolishly thinks you might get lucky later on if you save her, will be doomed and eaten first because she will have earlier negotiated some kind of deal with the zombie queen while you were out investigating that strange noise (See Rule 1).

You run like something’s chasing you because something is. A zombie.

A woman will also distract you with ridiculous questions that will take your mind off the task at hand: RUNNING!

“How are we going to outrun all these zombies?” she will wail.

Your reply should be, “I don’t have to outrun all these zombies. I just have to outrun you.”

Rule 4B: (for women):

Lose the high heels. If you can’t keep up or you trip and fall and sprain your ankle, you’re on your own. We are not coming back for you and we will not carry you.

Would you come back for us? Not hardly.

You never cared for us in the first place, did you? In fact, this whole zombie outbreak was probably orchestrated by women to do away with us guys.

Though in the end, what caused the zombie attack in the first place would ultimately be our fault.

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