Wednesday, January 29, 2014
Random thoughts while trying to select new bathroom wallpaper and feeling stabby:
• Sometimes a bowl of soup and a snoring dog are all you need.
• If everyone has the same number of hours in the day, why can’t I ever catch up? There are always newspapers unread and furniture undusted, despite my best intentions.
• Tuna fish isn’t tuna fish without pickle relish.
• My beloved brother, T-Bob is house hunting in South Florida. After living in a condo and serving on its HOA board for 12 years, he wants a detached house with a yard. His exact words were, “If someone gave me a condo for free, I’d burn it down.”
• At 25 I lived on French fries and wine coolers, and never weighed over 100 pounds. Today I starve myself, exercise 10 hours a week and won’t tell anybody what I weigh.
• I’m a jealous, possessive friend. But I’m working on that.
• Why do bad things happen to good people? It’s the oldest question in the universe, but we’re talking really bad things and really good people. It haunts me.
• After 53 years, I’m still trying to figure this out: How do you know when to walk away and when to stand and fight?
• I don’t think I’ve ever seen two redheads married to each other.
• How come sometimes there are eight movies in the theater you’re dying to see, and then six months will go by with nothing but dreck? This is why God made Netflix.
• Last week I was feeding the animals and suddenly thought, “Is Sandy Duncan still alive?” The way my mind ricochets is scary. (Note: She’s alive and well and acting in regional theater. And no, she does not have a glass eye.)
• When faced with more than two choices I tend to burst into tears and/or seek chocolate. (See wallpaper reference above.)
• Elizabeth Dole once asked me if she had mustard on her teeth.
• I was raised in the country and swore—SWORE—I’d never live there again. So of course now I have chickens and live 13 miles from a grocery store, because that’s how life works.
• When our dog comes back from the groomer’s wearing her splashy little bandana, I take pictures and text them to my husband. This is what happens when you don’t have kids.
• It always surprises me when I see someone for the first time in 20 years and they have gray hair and crows’ feet. God only knows what they think upon seeing me.
• If I’m drinking beer, I put it in the freezer first so it’s REALLY cold—none of this “when the mountains turn blue” noise.
• Where I live, “eating local” means dining on the deer that was eating your beets last night.
• I’ve started taking naps, which is almost certainly one of the signs of the apocalypse.
• I’ve been taking prescription sleeping pills since 1998, and don’t want to know what they may or may not be doing to my liver. (On the up side, they work great and are ridiculously cheap.)
• Pundits like to criticize social media as a giant time suck, but how else am I supposed to keep up with Cousin Danny who was transferred to Venezuela?
• I don’t drink coffee or soda, but am addicted to Ice drinks. I’m the woman who buys every bottle of lemonade flavor on the shelf, except one. Which salves my conscience a little.
• Just realized I have a PayPal account I haven’t checked in two years. Maybe I’m rich!
Julie R. Smith, who feels a nap coming on, can be reached at email@example.com.