Fanfare for the Common Man: Surviving a zombie attack

  • Wednesday, October 2, 2013

Season Four of The Walking Dead starts next Sunday and I just finished watching World War Z.
Movies like this make me wonder, could I survive a zombie attack? Could you? Are you prepared? I would fathom to guess not.
If the walking dead happen to rise up and head out for a stroll, you need to be prepared.
Forget these 400-plus page Zombie Survival Guides. You don’t need them.
Four rules are all you need. That’s one less than the five you were expecting. These four simple rules will mean survival in case of a zombie attack.
Rule 1: Never, ever volunteer to go outside and check out what caused that noise, especially if it’s dark, stormy or quiet. You will be dead or worse, become a flesh-starved zombie yourself before the opening credits finish rolling.
Rule 1A (if you’re alone): Again, do not go outside. Don’t even go into the other room. Do not investigate anything, but if you do, and the cat jumps off the top of the china cabinet and startles you, run.
Run far. Run fast. And do not turn around. There’s a zombie behind you.
Rule 2: Do not call out or assume these strange noises are the result of some prank perpetrated by your friends. You are not being punked. The only thing being punked in this case would be your spleen or liver.
Human voices attract zombies. Hearing your voice is like grandma sounding the dinner bell down on the farm. “Come and get it! Good eats are on the table!”
Rule 3: When being chased DO NOT stop and look back to see where the zombies are in their pursuit of you. Trust me, they’re still coming. Just because you can run a little faster doesn’t mean their little zombie brains (or legs) will give up the chase.
You are their dinner.
No sooner do you stop and turn around to look, will you then turn back and run face-first into a zombie.
Rule 4A (for guys): When being chased by zombies DO NOT run with women. They can’t keep up. They’re always running in high heels or skirts. They’re always falling down and spraining an ankle. When they do, and they will, then you, being the chivalrous guy who somehow foolishly thinks this whole chase scene is somewhat arousing, and you think you might get lucky later on if you save her, will be doomed and eaten first because she will have earlier negotiated some kind of deal with the zombie queen while you were out investigating that strange noise (See Rule 1).
You run like something’s chasing you because something is. A zombie.
A woman will also distract you with ridiculous questions that will take your mind off the task at hand: RUNNING!
“How are we going to outrun all these zombies?” she will wail.
Your reply should be, “I don’t have to outrun all these zombies. I just have to outrun you.”
Rule 4B: (for women): Lose the high heels. If you can’t keep up or you trip and fall and sprain your ankle, you’re on your own. We are not coming back for you and we will not carry you.
Would you come back for us? Not hardly.
In fact, if a zombie was to trip and fall in the woods, and nobody was there to hear it, it would still be our fault.

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