Fanfare for the Common Man: Naked aliens

  • Wednesday, September 11, 2013

I’ve seen a ton of alien invasion movies over the years.
I never paid much attention but from movies like Signs, War of the Worlds, and even the Spielberg-esque Close Encounters of the Third Kind and E.T., one common theme stands out.
The aliens are all naked.
Where are their clothes?
How can they survive the quantum physics of space travel buck-naked? And what about the deep cold vacuum of space? I would want a pair of Fruit of the Looms along before I froze my asteroids off. 
When humans venture into space we’re covered in fabric from the tops of our heads to the bottoms of our feet. We don’t eat naked. We don’t sleep naked. We don’t even bathe naked in space. We surely don’t go to the bathroom naked. They have tubes and Baggies to handle all that stuff.
So how does E.T. do it?
If I were off to conquer another world I’d at least wear a pair of socks.
None of these outer space guys are wearing any clothes.
Though they say no one can hear you scream in space, I imagine they might if we all ran around in our birthday suits.
In Signs, the aliens were all green and could change color like chameleons. While such a talent would avoid the fashion faux pas of stepping out in stripes and plaids, it again fails to consider possible comfort and protection of the alien horde from the elements.
In War of the Worlds the aliens all died from the germ of the common cold. Wouldn’t it make sense if you had the technology to transport aliens from the mother ship in space to the monstrous spider transporters underground you would at least remember to pack the NyQuil?
While E.T. lacked an adequate pair of legs, Spielberg could have at least provided the little guy with a flannel shirt.
In Close Encounters it was the same thing – no clothes. Their space ship was the size of Texas but the Invasion Committee didn’t think it was necessary to include wardrobe on the Take Over Earth checklist.
I’ve seen almost every alien invasion movie ever made, and more than my share of lousy TV series.
When Star Trek introduced aliens the only ones not to have on outerwear were the Tribbles but they had lots of fur. Even Yoda wore GI Joe clothes.
But when it comes time for what they call your realistic (believable) alien encounter on Earth movie, the aliens aren’t wearing clothes. It’s no wonder they lose in the end. 
I looked down the 30-must see alien movies list and except for the movies made in the 1950s none of them wore clothes.
The 1950s were so uptight, even Lassie wore clothes.
Of course, it’s the one movie where you wish the aliens weren’t wearing any clothes that they finally throw on a shirt and pair of pants. I’m talking Men in Black 2 where Lara Flynn Boyle played the evil alien invader underlord. She wore clothes all right – a leather bustier, fishnets and stilettos.
E.T. they let run naked, but her they dress her up in clothes. Nice clothes, but clothes all the same. 
Dang it anyway.

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