Fanfare for the Common Man: Energy Drinks

  • Wednesday, August 28, 2013

I have no energy.
Energy or the lack thereof has been an issue with me for years. I used to get paid to exercise. Do you think I’m going to now do it for free?
I tried Ritalin once, thinking my lack of focus and lack of energy was somehow tied in to my ADD. But Ritalin is a fickle mistress. You don’t know how it’s going to affect you.
Talk about being jacked-in. Plug me into a light socket and you won’t get as much energy out of me. Only it wasn’t a kinetic energy. It was more an alertness like what you would feel right before the tornado appeared in the distance.
You know it’s coming but you don’t know when. Not a good feeling.
Ritalin made me antsy, like I’d just chewed on coffee grounds.
If you really want to get all jacked-up try sucking on some fresh coffee grounds. Use it like Skoal or Copenhagen. That’s what the troops did during Desert Storm to remain alert.
A little pinch between your cheek and gun or in the case of coffee grounds, about one level-scoop.
Taster’s Choice works even better. The freeze-dried stuff will eventually dissolve and doesn’t leave behind all that gritty black crud that will never come out of your teeth.
Talk about the sweet rush of pure caffeine. Holy cow.
After my brush with Ritalin I tried the holistic approach, what I like to call the Twisted Sisters - Gingko Biloba and Ginseng. Gingko Biloba is an herb that improves memory function and Ginseng helps provide energy and stimulates cerebral circulation. 
I took Ginseng and Gingko to increase my energy and improve my memory function, but I was to amped up to ever remember to take it. 
When the Twisted Sisters started ratcheting up my blood pressure, sadly I had to give them up. What good is sharp as a tack memory and boundless energy when you are drooling into a spit cup because of a stroke or massive coronary?
The energy drink craze began a couple years ago, but its predecessor was this wicked Mountain Dew knockoff called “JOLT!” which boasts twice the sugar and all the caffeine. I was never impressed with these so-called energy drinks. They just jack you up on caffeine and a little ginseng is all.
Not until I got my hands on this stuff called “SPARK!”
This was the good stuff because I’d never heard of it before. I just mix it with water and enjoy. So I did.
I felt like Alice after she took the blue pill. I heard something… a tiny, barely discernible bristling then a faint yet distinct “POP!”
I could hear my eyebrows growing.  Holy cow, this stuff is swell!
I could suddenly see into the fourth and fifth dimensions. Like Bobby Fischer in chess I could suddenly see 15-to-20 moves ahead. I could predict the future even. If I wasn’t careful I could set myself on fire with this.
No, the best energy drink out there isn’t Red Bull or any of the other canned atrocities out there, not even the 5-Hour Energy Drinks or the Twisted Sisters. It’s your momma’s Sunday sweet tea.
Now there’s a beverage that has twice the sugar and all the caffeine. And it tastes better, too.

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