Fanfare for the Common Man

  • Wednesday, June 5, 2013






Life is the order of randomness. The pattern found in chaos. Casual observations … signs, if you will.
Some theologians believe that every moment that has occurred throughout time has happened in no uncertain order to lead to this very moment when I am typing out this line and you are now reading it with a newspaper held in your hands.
Pre-ordination.
Not to go all Sunday School on you but other theologians believe pre-ordination runs counter to belief that God gave man free will, none of which though, is germane to the next 500 or so words.
While I believe in the “Stuff” Happens theory I also don’t believe in the randomness of coincidence. I believe in Fate. And I believe in Destiny. I also believe in Serendipity.
My point being…
Sign This Isn’t Going to Work Number 27: Reading instructions to new diabetes medicine designed for Type 2 diabetes when diet and exercise won’t work while munching on a Little Debbie’s Nutty Bar while lying down on the couch.
Sign You Are Ready for The Home Number 4: Because your boxers feel so much like regular shorts you take the trash to the complex dumpster in your underwear and nobody notices. Not even you.
The Key to a Perfect Cup of Coffee Lesson Number 18: Measure out coffee and appropriate amount of water. Put carafe in cockeyed so half the coffee leaks out onto the counter. Then add one more cup of water because what is in the pot is liquid tar. Finish brewing, serve and enjoy.
I Don’t Care How Good It Tastes Rule 3: "I ain't eatin’ that." What you say when you clip a fingernail and something smacks the open plastic lid of your pimento cheese spread and ricochets into the orange, red and white tub of cheesy goo. Shredded cheese, errant fingernail... can't tell the difference. It’s garbage.
Birds Have to Be Insane Codicil 11: After spending the weekend in North Georgia's "Poultry Capital of the World," I am convinced of one thing. Roosters have no idea when the sun rises. They crow all the time, every 10 seconds if I’m keeping count. Sunrise, sunset, daytime, nighttime, basically they are insane birds.
Why Bother Rule Number 6: That moment when you get out of the car and remember you forgot to wash your hair when you showered earlier. Washing one's hair is the whole reason why we shower. How do you forget to wash your own hair? That's like putting on your belt and missing the first loop. Why bother after that? You missed the first one! Forget to wash your hair, and you might as well administer a couple squirts of Febreze and forgo bathing altogether.
That moment when you realize you always found something a little creepy about Twilight: What is a 400-year-old vampire doing hanging around a bunch of high school kids anyway?
The UFO-ologist is Talking About You Rule Number 9: Sitting in the theater watching the latest UFO abduction movie where the UFO-ologist is detailing the 10 warning signs you might be abducted by an alien, “Do you have a strange ringing sensation in your ears that seems to be coming from the inside? Do you hear strange, unexplained noises in the night? Do random objects in your home suddenly go missing? Do you feel like someone’s watching you?
ALL. THE. TIME.
If I suddenly go missing, someone please call my fami – . . .

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