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Fanfare for the Common Man

  • Wednesday, May 22, 2013

 
I went to the doctor last week to get my prescriptions refilled.
While there I was on the receiving end of a lecture from my doctor. “You need to get out more,” she said. “Exercise, do something, don't lie around the house all day and night.”
I took this in with the usual aplomb until she followed with the kicker. She looked me dead straight in the eye and said, “Dan, you need to find yourself a girlfriend.”
For a guy who makes his living with words I was momentarily speechless. I had no comeback, no witticism in retort.
I just shook my head and chuckled.
“Women and me . . .” I began, and I just left it hanging.
“You need to find a woman to do things,” she said. “People shouldn't have to be alone like you are.”
I asked the doctor if she could write me a prescription for that: “To Dan, find a girlfriend.”
Interesting premise, I thought. I may just take this and run with it.
My misadventures with women have been well documented here over the years. My string of blind dates has been classified as a five-alarm disaster to the point I'm eligible for FEMA benefits.
I went out with a woman who claimed to be witch and saw dead people.
“You're sitting on Norman,” she said as I took a seat on her sofa.
“Who's Norman?”
“He's the ghost who lives with me – Oh hush Norman, I know you don't like to be called a ghost, but you are . . . you're a ghost.”
She then smiled at me and said, “Norman prefers to be called 'living challenged.'”
When I abruptly made an excuse to leave five minutes later she put a hex on me that I would grow a tail, and while I don't buy into the whole witchcraft thing I still on occasion check the mirror as I'm drying off after a shower just in case.
I wrote a song about one ill-fated dating situation, singing, “That woman is too much man for me.”
When you have asked her five times to open the ketchup bottle for you at the restaurant because she's stronger than you are, it's time to go home, lock the door and hide on the couch for a few days in quiet shame.
One woman gave me an “It's Nice to Meet You,” present on our blind dinner date.
“I think it's ever thoughtful to exchange gifts in a situation like this,” she said. I did not have a gift to exchange in return.
I opened the gift bag and found a small travel toothbrush and a tube of toothpaste. My brain went crazy at the possible scenarios implied here, until she spoke.
“It's important to brush one's teeth at least five times a day,” she said. She liked to speak in third person, and nodded in the direction of the restroom.
“You mean now?”
She said, yes. So I went and brushed my teeth.
Upon my return she explained how proper brushing techniques helped kill germs and how the toothbrush also came with a built-in tongue brusher as apparently tongues carry lots of germs too.
“Did you?” she asked.
“Did I what?” I replied.
“Brush your tongue.”
I had not.
She sent me back to the restroom to finish brushing properly, tongue included.
So, find a girlfriend? Doctor's orders ladies, I don't know if that's a good thing or not.
Maybe I should get a dog instead. 

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