Tuesday, February 19, 2013
There is a reason why I don’t play video games.
I have an addictive personality. Add to that I am a very competitive person who hates to lose. Second place is just first place for losers.
Let’s not forget my low vertigo threshold, either. You start gyrating the TV screen as the video game takes me on a suborbital flight and I’m ready to give back lunch.
When Wii came out I snorted derisively, an open contemptuous scoff. I thought they were a waste of time and contributed more to the destruction of gray matter than alcohol, drugs or staring into the sun too long.
Well, not anymore.
This past weekend was my dad’s 77th birthday and my sister – the smart, radically thinking one – bought my dad (and subsequently my mom) a Wii game system for his birthday. This was a true stroke of genius on her part and I applaud her.
My parents are both retired and they don’t get around like they used to, and being thus retired they have way, way too much time on their hands, time that in the past would be spent making phone calls and texts wondering why I never call my mother.
Those issues are now a thing of the past.
They have Wii now. We’ll never hear from them again.
Soon it’ll be us calling them saying, “Mom, dad, we miss you, you never call anymore.”
“Sorry son, your mom and I are playing Wii.”
I have to admit, the thing is awesome.
On Saturday I played Wii for the very first time. I played 36 holes of 3-over-par golf and bowled seven games, and not once left the comfort of my parent’s living room.
Then when my daughter and her husband showed up for the party, my son-in-law Tommy showed me how I could roll a strike SITTING DOWN.
This is awesome, I thought. Exercise without really exercising.
When I dropped a 159-yard 7-iron shot three feet from pin while sitting in my dad’s favorite rocker and the crowd on TV went wild, I thought I had died and gone to heaven.
They’re applauding, I said, for pretend ME.
I’ve got to get me one of these.
But sadly, my addictive personality and competitive zealotry took over.
I couldn’t just play a round of golf and relax. Oh no. I had to play a round of golf and win. But you see, even on Wii, you never win at golf. You just suffer through various degrees of losing.
And in Wii bowling, I underestimated the creep effect of the lack of legs on any of the other Wii bowlers in the Wii bowling alley enjoying a leisurely afternoon at the lanes.
I started wondering what was going on in their little lives and how they were going to drive home after their afternoon of pretend bowling fun when they don’t have any legs to operate the gas or brake pedals.
And why is the woman bowling next to me frowning all the time? Is it because she has no legs or because she left a 7-10 split?
If I had a Wii I’d never leave the house. I’d never get anything done. Your newspaper would be blank.I’d be out of a job, homeless and living out of a refrigerator box.
No, I can’t have a Wii.
You see, I’m a Wii-niac and I take that term to a whole new level.