Fanfare for the Common Man

  • Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Not 24 hours previously I was more than a little worried. I was afraid I’d run out of words.
I had encountered a mild case of writer’s block brought on by downing four Pepsi Maxes in a six-hour period. While the soft drink is sugar free, it more than makes up for the sugar loss with twice the caffeine, hence the suffix “MAX” in red slashed capital letters across the front of the can.
My heart was beating faster than a Neal Peart drum solo.
But just when I thought I’d forever run out of things to write about, human kind came through for me again. It never lets me down.
I read an article in USA TODAY this morning that said overeating could lead to some mild forms of memory loss. I hate to coin the monosyllabic phrase – well, it’s more a grunt actually, that sarcastically represents the obvious.
Duh. Why do you think we eat anyway? We eat to forget. We eat to find comfort from the daily grind of being our lonely and overweight selves.
Now I prepare for yet another Valentine’s Day when I do not have someone with which to spend it. I turn to food during solitary times such as Feb. 14, and I eat in order to forget that I’m alone.
Again: Duh.
The article, which originated from another one of those studies commissioned by the American Academy of Neurology said “Older people who consumed more than 2,143 calories a day had more than double the risk of a type of memory loss called mild cognitive impairment compared to those who ate fewer than 1,500 calories a day.”
According to the study, the more calories older people consumed, the more likely they were to have mild cognitive impairment, saying excessive calorie intake is associated with a greater risk of mild cognitive impairment.
MCI… Mild Cognitive Impairment, the condition between normal forgetfulness due to aging and early Alzheimer’s disease.
I’m older. I’ve noticed some momentary lapses in my cognitive reasoning skills. Names no longer spew forth but instead linger on the tip of my tongue and then vanish altogether.
Sometimes I forget where I’m going and I catch myself driving aimlessly around town.
While I still manage to hit all the belt loops, the fly option continues to be a hit and miss thing, but I think that’s more due to sloppy personal hygiene skills than memory loss.
And to think I spent the majority of my formative years trying to attain that stage between normal forgetfulness and early Alzheimer’s via 12-packs of Bud Light.
I should have opted for the All You Can Eat Buffet instead.
It’s long been said that memory is the second thing to go. I can’t recall what the first thing was.
Well now I can blame that one on the Big Mac and fries I had for lunch today.
Man used to drink so he could forget. Who knew he had it all wrong? We eat to forget.
So forget the Jack Daniels and the Mad Dog 20/20. I am a man haunted by troubled thoughts and I’m hungry.
Pass the mashed potatoes.

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