Fanfare for the Common Man: My 12 Days of Christmas

  • Sunday, January 13, 2013


In observance of the holiday season, I have a song to sing for you if I may. A Christmas carol.
I call it “MY 12 Days of Christmas.”
Maestro? Music please. You may sing along if you wish.
Here goes nothing (ahem!):  
On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me … a 30-day restraining order.
On the second day of Christmas my true love gave to me … two black eyes and a 30-day restraining order.
On the third day of Christmas my true love gave to me … three stern lectures, two black eyes and a 30-day restraining order.
On the fourth day of Christmas my true love gave to me … four past due bills, three stern lectures, two black eyes, and a 30-day restraining order.
On the fifth day of Christmas my true love gave to me … FIVE STOLEN THINGS … four past due bills, three stern lectures, two black eyes, and a 30-day restraining order.
On the sixth day of Christmas my true love gave to me … six nervous breakdowns … FIVE STOLEN THINGS … four past due bills, three stern lectures, two black eyes, and a 30-day restraining order.
On the seventh day of Christmas my true love gave to me … seven days to move out, six nervous breakdowns … FIVE STOLEN THINGS… four past due bills, three stern lectures, two black eyes, and a 30-day restraining order.
On the eighth day of Christmas my true love gave to me … eight tongue lashings, seven days to move out, six nervous breakdowns … FIVE STOLEN THINGS… four past due bills, three stern lectures, two black eyes, and a 30-day restraining order.
On the ninth day of Christmas my true love gave to me … nine pole dancers, eight tongue lashings, seven days to move out, six nervous breakdowns … FIVE STOLEN THINGS… four past due bills, three stern lectures, two black eyes, and a 30-day restraining order.
On the 10th day of Christmas my true love gave to me… 10 busted fingers (because the nine pole dancers were really my idea), nine pole dancers, eight tongue lashings, seven days to move out, six nervous breakdowns … FIVE STOLEN THINGS… four past due bills, three stern lectures, two black eyes, and a 30-day restraining order.
On the 11th day of Christmas my true love gave to me… 11 smacks upside the head with a lead pipe, 10 busted fingers, nine pole dancers, eight tongue lashings, seven days to move out, six nervous breakdowns … FIVE STOLEN THINGS… four past due bills, three stern lectures, two black eyes, and a 30-day restraining order.
On the12th day of Christmas my true love gave to me… a dozen smashed eggs on my car, 11 smacks upside the head with a lead pipe, 10 busted fingers, nine pole dancers, eight tongue lashings, seven days to move out, six nervous breakdowns … FIVE STOLEN THINGS… four past due bills, three stern lectures, two black eyes, and a 30-day restraining order.


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