Fanfare for the Common Man: Brain freeze headaches

  • Tuesday, July 10, 2012

A toothache, a stubbed toe, a two-hop grounder to the midsection Ö the only three things in all the world that hurt worse than a Brain Freeze Headache. I capitalize Brain Freeze Headache. Anything that hurts that bad deserves proper noun status. Like Labor. Iím not talking about the manual thing, or the Teamsters organized stuff. Iím talking about the miracle of childbirth. The ice cream machine had broken down at Sonic so rather than my large chocolate malt I instead enjoyed a large cherry Slushie. Itís hot Ė weíre coming off a 120-degree heat index weekend and I have 32 ounces of frozen cherry goodness in my hands. My first big gulp and Ė zzzap! Ė Brain-Freeze Headache. We lived for Brain Freeze Headaches as kids. We used to have contests to see who could have the most (as in quantitative) and worst (as in qualitative) Brain Freeze Headaches. One was always my limit and every one was the worst. A confession is due here. I wasnít a complete moron growing up. If you stick your finger in a live wall socket enough times you learn not to do that anymore. Thatís me and Brain Freeze Headaches. I became good at faking Brain Freeze Headaches because Roger from next door was the King of the Brain Freeze Headache, a moron who didnít know when to quit, and he would beat you up if you didnít help him enjoy his Brain Freeze Headache by having one of your own. I never understood this unique fraternal bonding. These days I donít drink out of a straw. Itís one of those things I see as totally effeminate in my opinion. You could be Chuck Norris and drink your sweet tea from a straw and you couldnít karate chop your way out of a paper bag, much less pound cinderblocks into powder. † Thereís something in the way the lips pucker when youíre taking that sip that just sucks the testosterone right out of you. But letís get back to the Brain Freeze Headache. Iíve had four so far and Iím not even halfway through the Slushie. It feels like I picked up a Number 2 pencil and jabbed myself repeatedly in the left eye. My eye becomes an ice cube, and I can imagine what an ice cube would feel like if I were to pluck out my eye and stuff one in my left eye socket. Like a Brain Freeze Headache. And itís always the left eye. Why? I have half a mind to experiment repeatedly just to see if it ever switches sides and attacks the right eye. What is it Einstein said was the definition of insanity? Exactly. I just sucked back a big mouthful and had one of those second thoughts to which I actually paid attention. I held it in my mouth until the cold subsided. I may have avoided a Brain Freeze Headache, but every cavity and cracked tooth and loose filling in my mouth just lit up like I sucked on a light bulb. Did Einstein ever come up with a definition of stupidity? Ron White didnít but he said you canít fix it.

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