Fanfare for the Common Man

  • Tuesday, June 5, 2012

Those arenít raindrops on Danís face

There are a few things that make me cry.
I donít mean sucking back a few sniffles and blinking away the stray tear. Iím talking about full-on, rib-heaving sobs with drool line trailing from the lower lip.
There are four things on this earth that will make me do that. They are: 1. Ceremonial baseball moments; 2. Bagpipes; 3. Superman; and 4. Weddings.
These things are my kryptonite. I am powerless against them.
The ceremonial baseball moments happen when someoneís retiring or making the Hall of Fame, or just by being Pete Rose.
Rose is my quintessential childhood baseball hero. I grew up with him. I came of age during his rookie year with the Cincinnati Reds in 1964 and was there through hit number 4,192, and beyond to his banishment from baseball. All you have to do is tell me Pete Rose has made an appearance on a Cincinnati Reds baseball field and I collapse into immediate sobs. I canít pull the You Tube video up fast enough.
Bagpipes get me the same way. And the pipers donít even have to start playing for the brain rains to come. All I have to hear is the snick of the snare drum and Iím a goner.
There is this Scottish death metal band called Grave Digger. They all wear kilts and paint their faces like Braveheart at the battle of Sterling Bridge. Before the start of a Grave Digger concert in the Scottish highlands, they announced the Great Clan March and the Highlander Pipe and Drum Corps marched onto the stage, some 100 pipe and drummers strong.
I was hugging the TV by this point. It took me a week to clean off the screen.
I really donít have to explain this next one. Just let me say one word: Superman.
Those of you who know me know I am a Super Fool for anything Superman. I remember the first time I ever saw a Superman comic. It was 1966. I was 8. I was on vacation and noticed the comic book rack positioned near the front counter. I saw the red cape and blue tights and immediately went looking for the nearest bath towel.
When the Superman movies came out in the 70s, all I have to hear are the first few strains of John Williamsí Superman theme and Iíll be heaving from the front row.
When the Superman Returns movie came out two years ago I was crying and pumping my fist during the previews for upcoming movies Ö which werenít even about Superman.
I watched Smallville for 10 years just so I could see the final five minutes of the Season 10 finale when Clark finally realizes his destiny and flies for the first time.
If you could see my arms youíd see they were full of goose bumps right now, and itís 90 degrees outside.
And last, weddings. Specifically, my childís wedding.
I bit a hole in my lip two years ago when my son got married and all I had to do was sit in the front row and watch. My daughter gets married this coming September and not only will I be giving her away, Iíll be performing the ceremony.
How am I going to do this when I start crying like my momma spanked me at ďDahhhÖ.dot-dot-dot-dot-dotÖ dahhhh!Ē
MedicineÖ copious amounts of mind numbing medicine, thatíll do the trick.

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