Fanfare for the Common Man

  • Tuesday, May 22, 2012

An unfortunate Friday for Mr. Brown

Last Friday I suffered through a horrible series of unfortunate events.
I was leaving the restaurant after a fine lunch and about to climb into my car. I have to state for the purpose of clarity that the phrase “climb into my car” really doesn’t apply to how I go about entering my car. That phrase is reserved for SUVs and monster pickup trucks.
Driving a car with six inches of ground clearance, you don’t so much climb into your car as you fall into it. There is a point in the car entry process when I surrender to gravity and let Mother Earth take care of the rest. My job is making sure I use proper aim in guiding my backside into the driver’s seat.
Sadly, on this day, I did not. My mind was otherwise occupied.  
There is this nasty looking hook on the car door. It’s what makes your car door stay shut during operation. This metal hook is exposed and potentially dangerous when one leaves his fate to gravity and starts a free fall into his driver’s seat.
As I am falling into my car, I notice the exposed hook and attempt to avoid gaffing myself in a sensitive area. I miss, but not entirely.
The hook snags my pants and as I continue to fall I hear a resounding “RIPPPPPPPPPPPP!!!!”
My pants tore from the open fly all the way down the right leg to below my knee. Laid open, my right pants leg dangled from the hook as I landed in the seat. Had I not worn a belt that day, that hook could have taken my trousers off completely and I’d have been left sitting in my car sans pants.
Not a welcoming sight. 
Boy did this day take a sudden hard right turn on the way to Bummerville. 
That’s when I decided to take the rest of the day off. I decided I needed an afternoon of Me Time and went off to see the new Avengers movie. What a fantastic flick. Three hours of unabashed comic book fun.
I bought a pack of gum before the movie to avoid dropping ten bucks on popcorn and a Coke and had been working on that particular piece of Doublemint for three hours.
I was driving home in rush hour traffic, stopped at a traffic light and sitting in the turning lane. Suddenly I felt a sneeze coming on.
In my defense, sneezes only give you five seconds to react to the oncoming full-on body spasm.
I’m in my car. The light just changed green. What do I do?
Can’t take my hands of the wheel, I’m moving. Can’t close my eyes, I might hit the guy in front of me.
All these thoughts fly through my mind in about three seconds.
I didn’t want to sneeze on the windshield. So I yanked my head to the right ... AHHHH-CHOOOOO!
I’d forgotten about the gum. Also, my windows were down. ZING!
My gum shot to the right and, “PING!” splats against the driver side window of the car next to mine.
There was nothing I could do. Traffic had started moving with the green turn arrow. I waved and smiled.
Have a nice day!
Thankfully no one was riding with me or else there would have been casualties. No sir, that would not have bode well at all.
A gumshot wound to the temple.

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