Fanfare for the Common Man: I got a DROID | [var page_name] | Berkeley Independent

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Fanfare for the Common Man: I got a DROID

Published Tuesday, January 17, 2012 10:44 AM

By Dan Brown
Berkeley Independent

Oh boy, I’ve gone and done it now. I bought a new cell phone. Not just any cell phone, mind you, but a Smart Phone.

A DROID.

I have traveled through time and just “Star-Trekked” into 2012.

What a jump.

I finally caved. I’m committed. And I have a serious problem with commitments. There are some who say I should have been committed a long time ago.

I’m locked in for two years and I can already feel the pressure. While I might be the stone that gathers moss in my sedentariness I don’t stick around in one place very long.

I don’t date. I never joined the gym. I don’t even go to parties.

You may hear me go on and on about making plans or hey, let’s get together, or I’d really like to start a relationship with you (and then I wait until they stop laughing), but when it comes time to pony up and make a commitment I turn tail and run.

I run like something’s chasing me.

So I took the plunge and signed up for that unlimited talk, text and data plan. I can text all I want, which until now was not at all. Seeing how I couldn’t stand texting before, it’s only natural that I signed up for a plan that allows me to text to my heart’s content.

Hours and hours of texting fun are waiting. And I can’t wait.

I can’t wait to try and navigate my way around this Thumbalina-sized keyboard, and here I thought my laptop keyboard was small. I need a keyboard the size of a throw rug.

Have you seen the size of my hands?

“But you only have to use your thumbs to text,” came the reply to my query.

Okay, have you seen the size of my thumbs? My thumbs look like a pair of corndogs on sticks.

All I have to do is touch the keyboard and I’ve typed half the Gettysburg Address.

The keyboard size is the least of my worries, though.

This thing is called a DROID. It’s like something from NASA.

I don’t have proper security clearance for this. As they say in the Tom Clancy novels, “This device exceeds your pay grade.”

Of course I haven’t read the instruction manual yet. I haven’t watched the DVD. I haven’t taken the phone’s tutorial. I don’t do that.

I just plow right in like the proverbial bull in the china shop and start pushing buttons… which is why I need to call the phone company tomorrow and have them credit me the $10 charge I incurred signing up for GPS services I don’t need.

I don’t go anywhere so how can I get lost?

I felt like the ape that discovered the jawbone from Stanley Kubrick’s 2001 Space Odyssey when I posted my first Facebook status update from my phone.

I was flipping through the different features today and suddenly a microphone popped up and a little message flashed underneath that said, “Speak to me.”

I actually asked out loud, “What did you say?”

It continued to flash, “Speak to me.”

This is one of those phones that will allow you to use voice-activated commands to access various features included with your phone.

I’m not afraid to admit that I’m a little intimidated here. I am also not smart enough to use this phone.

But, I did find the theme music to 2001 Space Odyssey.

Hey, I might even add that as my ringtone.

It fits.

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